von Quicksilver

When I turned 11, my mood started dropping at random times and I started feeling like I was… empty inside. Like there was nothing but a hole inside of me.

When I was 13, I was diagnosed with depression. That seemed to explain the numbness and mood drops I have been experiencing. But when a  year after my diagnosis I started being way too ecstasic and loaded with energy at times, several people told me my depression was fake. I was a 13-year-old kid with extreme self esteem issues that got called an attention whore for supposedly faking my mental illness. Eventually, it got to me and I told myself it was just my teen years and I ignored the nights I couldn‘t even cry myself to sleep because I felt literally nothing.

Last week, I was diagnosed bipolar instead, a disorder which causes extreme mood swings and being ecstasic in one moment and feeling empty just two hours later.

When I turned 7, I started believing if I didn‘t rip off the paper on a yogurt all the way, it was poisoned and eating it would kill me instantly.

When I had just turned 8, my grandfather died because of cancer. I made myself believe that if I didn‘t step onto the cracks on sidewalks, I would never get cancer, let alone any other sickness.

When I still got sick a lot, my mind drove me crazy and instead of seeing only me dying, my mind started showing me pictures of my family and friends dying just because I didn‘t do a specific thing, so I came up with other things to obsess over so no one would die and I wouldn‘t get sick. At that point in my life I would‘ve rather died than catch a cold.

It took me 7 years in total to find out: I was indeed sick; not physically but „in mind“.

I have OCD, a disorder that is more than just liking your pencils in order or liking clean rooms. OCD is a disorder that makes it hard for you to fall asleep because you‘ve always got pictures in your head of terrible things happening if you don‘t do specific things, a disorder that makes it hard for you to concentrate on anything else, a disorder that makes it hard for you to LIVE.

When I turned 8, my usually very skinny body started to store fat and in addition to that I stopped growing, so the stored fat had nowhere to go. I wasn‘t a fat kid though. I still was healthy, I looked good, no worries whatsoever. But when everyone around you looks near to the edge of underweight and society tells you a size zero is what you’ve got to be, you start telling yourself the exact same.

And the three hundred and sixty seventh time you cry yourself to sleep because you feel fat because you ate something you shouldn’t have eaten; like rice for example, you kind of start noticing something isn’t going the way it should. But, being a ten year old kid; one, that literally just got into puberty, no one thought I really wasn’t doing well. “It’s just a phase”, “Doesn’t every girl want to be skinnier at some point?”, “You look good, it’s just your hormones”.

Oh yeah, so working out every day until you are crying on the floor is “normal teen  behaviour”?

Collapsing in gym classes due to the lack of food in my system, that’s just because of my teen years, too?

Is me throwing up food all the time and destroying my teeth by doing so really my teen years’ fault?

I think not.



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